Camp Fear

What the ... ?? This movie starts out as kind of a routine T&A movie. It's morning at a university women's dorm, and a bunch of hot chicks are walking around topless, waiting to take a shower. Two of them take long, lingering but pube-free showers. So now we know what kind of movie it is, right? Nope. That is the only T&A in the movie. It is actually a grade-B story about some college chicks who go to a remote mountain lake on an archeological dig and are terrorized by some drunken bikers. Three of the four women who go on the expedition are seen in the T&A scene, but keep their clothes on. It seems that the shower scenes were tacked on after the fact to add some spice to the film as a video product. I haven't told you the entire story. It does start out as I described it, but while the students and their professor are on that expedition, they run into some things stranger than bikers. For example, they run into an seven foot tall Druid and a Nessie-like Lake Monster. I don't know who played Nessie, but the Druid is played by an actor whose full name in the credits is - I kid you not - Tiny Ron. Sadly, Mr. Ron was ignored by the academy in that year's Best Supporting Actor competition, but I found out that his real name is Ronald Taylor. He played basketball at USC, and then in the European professional leagues. Coincidentally enough, he was the center for the Vienna Druids.

Mr. T. Ron	The Ancient Monster. He has no body - just a giant head obviously floating on the surface of the water.
Anyway, here's the deal: the ophidian lake monster is an ancient deity, and the Druid priest has to offer a human sacrifice to his serpentine god, lest the world end. It's a pretty damned good thing that the professor took those students to the mountain that weekend, because the god requires the sacrifice of four hot archeology majors during the full moon. If those girls hadn't decided to look for arrowheads in that exact place on that exact date, one of two things would have happened: either (A) The Druid would have had to put on some city clothes to pick up four college girls at the local Remote Lake Disco, which would have made for a better movie. or (B) The world would have ended halfway through the film, which would have made for a WAY better movie. Actually, I don't know if "A" would have worked. Maybe the Druid would not have been able to find enough archeology chicks, and would only have been able to pick up majors in anthropology or French poetry. I'm not sure how strict the Lake Monster God was on those rules of sacrifice, but from what I saw of him, he seemed like a stickler for details. What can I tell you? A quick summary of the main points: Incoherent script. Ludicrous premise. Bizarre pseudo-science. Bad acting. Worse special effects. The least realistic throat-slitting scene ever. Tacked on scenes. No suspense or horror. A DVD of VHS quality with no widescreen transfer. The man I like to call Mr. Ron. Not one but two Van Pattens. Watch the T&A in the first three or four minutes. Michelle Bauer and porn star Savannah take showers in scenes completely unrelated to the rest of the movie (neither is ever seen again). That is the only entertainment available. Then find something better to do.

DVD INFO

No features except the original theatrical trailer
no widescreen
the transfer is approximately VHS quality

NUDITY REPORT

Michelle Bauer - T&A in a shower scene
Shannon Wilsey (aka porn star Savannah) - T&A in a shower scene
Two other women appear topless, and a third shows her bum under a too-short towel. They are three of the following five women: Shannon Burkey, Julie Wilson, Jacklyn Palmer, Dori Courtney, Suzanne Ager.

The Critics Vote ...

No major reviews online

The People Vote ...

IMDB summary. Hilariously, fourteen IMDb voters score it an average of 6.6/10. Suspiciously, seven of the fourteen scored it a perfect 10/10. (The score would be be in the threes or fours if it had more votes. The seven legitimate votes average about four and a half.)

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description, this is no higher than a D-. I could make a case for an F, but I don't think I should because it is not entirely boring to watch. It's such a bizarre and poorly performed movie that it could be fun to watch with some friends if you are all in a certain state of mind.