by Tall Paul
Christina was intended as the first in a series of films based on a series of
potboiler novels published in the 80s under such titles as Christina’s Pleasure,
Christina’s Cravings, etc. The title character is supposed to be a sort of
combination of James Bond and Paris Hilton, fabulously wealthy, stunningly
beautiful, constantly engaged in daredevil adventures, and a sexual
overachiever. A number of different writers churned out the manuscripts on
contract for a paycheck, all under the pen name of Blakely St. James. One of
them, Hart Williams, gives an amusing memoir of the experience
here. Oddly, the
books, long out of print, now go for premium prices.
The movie is simply atrocious. The dialogue sounds like it was written by a
12-year-old. The acting wouldn’t pass muster with a porn director. The plot has
more holes than a Pittsburgh street in the spring. The “action” and “fight”
scenes would embarrass a high school auteur.
The good news is, the nudity is nonstop, and the women are gorgeous. Jewel
Shepard, an icon of 80s B-movies, plays the lead, her chief qualifications for
the role being the perkiest pair of tits in the southwest. (I don’t want to be
unkind here; Jewel actually seems like a cool, clever person from what I know
about her.) The opening credits claim to be “Introducing Jewel Shepard,” but
IMDB lists seven earlier credits for her, this however being her first lead
role. Among the other women is one of my favorites from the era, Josephine
Jacqueline Jones (always identified as a “former Miss Bahamas”), and a truly
unique appearance by a topless Flamenco dancer.
The extensive nudity would require separate 19 clips to cover it, and some of them
would be pretty hard to
see, because of the low-res recording technology coupled with the director’s
inordinate fondness for backlighting scenes.
Fortunately for all of us, no investors who saw the series opener wanted to
finance any further installments, so Christina was also the last of its kind.
Although I wouldn’t mind seeing more of the topless Flamenco dancer.
If you are not familiar with our grading system, you need to
explanation, because the grading is not linear. For example, by
our definition, a
C is solid and a C+ is a VERY good movie. There are very few Bs
and As. Based on our descriptive system, this film is a:
Awful film. Nice nudity.