Cybercity (aka Shepherd) (1999) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Tuna
Tuna's comments in white: 

Cybershitty (1999) -- oops, Cybercity, has been released by Roger Corman on DVD. I can't explain why he acquired the US distribution rights to this piece of celluloid. This review will be full of spoilers, so if you planed on seeing it, read the review anyway, burn the $10.00 you would have spent, and save yourself the pain of sitting through it. It must have had a life somewhere before Corman, as IMDB has it under the name "Shepherds." In Battle Queen 2020, an asteroid caused nuclear winter. In this masterpiece, a nuclear holocaust caused a deadly heat wave. Naturally, everyone lives underground. That means that the entire film is dark and grainy, and a bunch of high school students must have dropped in shortly before filming, as all of the trash cans are on fire.

Destroying the world didn't convince anyone that war might be overrated as a tool of diplomacy. Splinter religious sects vie for converts, and hire "shepherds" to "clean" anyone who is in their way. Our hero (C. Thomas Howell) is one such shepherd, and is assigned to kill another shepherd of a rival church. Of course, she is the lovely Heidi von Palleske. Howell had a wife and kid that were murdered. When he sees Palleske with her mute son, he can't shoot her, but decides instead to shoot the rest of the world and escape with her. He also has to convince her that this guy who came to shoot her is a worthy bed partner. Luckily, he does, or we would have lost 1/3 of the exposure.

Memories, it seems, are trapped in trick sunglasses, and we see the ex wife's breasts during these memory flashbacks. Sometimes they have raster lines across them, and sometimes not. According to the credits, she is Eliza Schwarz, but IMDB says she is Alisa Bonerz. This had me confused for a while, especially since this Alisa Bonerz has no other credits at IMDB, but I think I have figured it out. They mistook Schwarz (black) for Schwanz (tail, slang for pecker), then translated the name. Based on the quality of this film, they had the right idea, but didn't go far enough. I propose morphing her name yet again to Ilika Hardon.

 Anyway, Howell also gets naked with an anonymous woman.

The highlight of this film is the clever and intelligent dialogue, such as:

"There is a special place for you in the devil's asshole."

"Alas, my ass, the end is near."

"May the eternal goddess swallow him and every worthless limp dick."

The film has IMDB readers wishing there was something below 1 to award it, and I was afraid I would have to give it a D+ as it does have some of the features of a post-apocalyptic action film, but was saved by the ending. Remember, all of the fighting was among religious groups. At the end of the film, Palleske and Howell escape to the newly reborn world outside and become the new Adam and Eve, with their son Able (the kids name is actually Abe in the film). By the way, in a mind-numbing moment, Abe types an access code into the top secret lock that has kept all of humanity from going outside. So the real genre is Biblical Epic, and I can safely award F.

NUDITY REPORT
see Tuna's comments
 Scoop's comments in yellow:

Many Arthurians like to fantasize that Merlin the Magician lived his life backwards. Other people scoff that this cannot be done, but there is evidence to support a backward life. Take the career of C. Thomas Howell.

In a normal actor's life, he'd start in high school, get some small-time stage work, a few minor screen roles in indies, then a major role in TV or an indie, then get discovered, get some supporting roles in major films. His final destination: a headliner in the film of a great director.

  • C. Thomas Howell started his career in a Spielberg film, rated 7.7 at IMDb, one of the best 250 movies ever made
  • then he starred in a Coppola movie rated 6.8 at IMDb. Really starred. His name headed the credits, overshadowing some of his less important co-stars, like Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Matt Dillon, Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez, Diane Lane and Ralph Macchio.
  • Now, two decades later, he is co-starring with Rowdy Roddy Piper in a movie rated 2.0 at IMDb, to which 60% of the voters awarded the lowest possible score. (Compared to 57% for Police Academy: Mission to Moscow). 

I'm guessing that most of those people who were listed below him in the cast of Coppola's "The Outsiders" can't even remember his name. I'm not sure what's wrong with "C", but he's definitely living his life in the wrong direction. 

DVD info from Amazon.

  • no widescreen

  • no features

  • very dark
In this story, "C" assumed a whisper-growl character voice, basically a grade-b Clint Eastwood impersonation, for the entire duration of the film. My guess is that this pose, in conjunction with the satanic beard and dark glasses, were designed to prevent people from identifying him. Perhaps he hoped people would think that the ongoing silly voice must have been coming not from him, but from Adam Sandler. Fortunately, we were able to see through his little ruse with a brilliant detective strategy. We looked him up in the cast, and he used his real name.

Actually, "C" seemed like Kenneth Branagh in this flick compared to poor David Carradine, who played an insane drunken ventriloquist, a character who apparently had a sexual relationship with his female dummy.

Oh, the humanity. 

Not to mention the splinters. 

The Critics Vote

  • no major reviews

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 2.0, and that might be a bit overrated. It is certainly a very bad movie, and a bad DVD to match. 
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics - or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is an F.

Return to the Movie House home page