Judas Kiss (1998) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Judas Kiss wants you to know what kind of a film it is from the first moments. A security guard is supposed to be paying attention to his video monitors, but is actually watching a porno video about lesbians from outer space. This video is not just pictured on the tiny security monitors, but also on the full screen, with lush production qualities, as if the lesbian aliens were actually in the movie we are supposed to be watching. About a minute into the action, there is clear, well lit, full-frontal female nudity, followed by an energetic lesbian love scene aboard a cheesy spaceship.

So right away we know we're not going to be watching "The Sweet Hereafter."

Not THAT'S gratuitous nudity. Not only was it not necessary to show the nudity at all, but there was certainly no reason to show it anywhere but on the guard's little monitor. Frankly, it was not even necessary for the security guy to be watching a video at all. He could have been asleep. Moreover, the entire video-within-a-film had absolutely nothing to do with the central plot. As an example of the kind of sense of humor this film has, a kidnapper later decides to watch a video to pass some time while waiting for the hostage negotiations to finish. Can you guess what he watches? Sure enough, it's the same outer space lesbian movie from the opening scene!

Judas Kiss wants to tell you upfront that it is a guilty pleasure movie, pure and simple. Once you determine that it is not a movie about lesbians from outer space, you will see that it is one of those detective stories where ... well, at one point one of the characters turns to another and says, "There is really only one plot: "Nothing is as it seems.'"

It's that kind of movie.

What is it supposed to be about?

If the security guard had not been totally into space lesbians, he would have seen and/or reported a kidnapping. A band of four crazy criminals (who often spout faux-poetic dialogue) decide to kidnap a Bill Gates kind of guy, opting to demand a ransom exactly equal to the amount covered by his company's insurance. As predicted, the company has no problem forking over the money, but those darned law enforcement officials insist on taking the matter seriously, not in small part because the kidnappers managed to shoot and kill a witness on their way out, and that witness happened to be the wife of a U.S. Senator. Oops!

Alan Rickman is the cop assigned to the murder investigation, and Emma Thompson is the federal agent in charge of the kidnapping. Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman? So this takes place in Manchester, or London, or someplace like that? You're close. New Orleans. Yup, Em and Rickman spend the entire film trying to speak in Paul Prudhomme accents, y'betcha. As it turns out, they did reasonably well. Their speech did slip out of Louisiana now and then, but they generally managed to cover up their British roots. When they messed up, it was usually to draw out an American "r", which made them sound like cops visiting The Big Easy from Minneapolis. The accents didn't really matter very much, because they are both good actors who brought wit and quirky intelligence to their parts, so the film was much better with them than it would have been with two ordinary actors speaking in the right dialect.

At any rate, the film takes a lot of twists and turns, and involves a lot of secrets. Rickman somehow figures out what is really going on, which is amazing because even the criminals are not completely sure, but he can't pursue the case directly because a lot of people in very important positions don't actually want him to solve the crime. Instead they want him to follow the planted clues and solve the apparent crime, which is actually only a mammoth distraction from what is really going on. So Rickman has to skulk around the background and solve the crime indirectly.

Don't fret if it sounds too complicated. Judas Kiss is not one of those way-too-confusing stories. In fact, the only reason we are ever confused at all is because we don't know all the details, but the whole scheme makes some sense once the smoke and mirrors are removed, so the story plays out as a pleasurable noir. It is not an ultra-realistic and gritty film, but rather the stylish type of noir like The Big Sleep, in which the complicated story is really of secondary importance when contrasted to the witty and philosophical exchanges between the characters. The criminals are quirky and articulate, while Rickman and Em provide humorous and literary banter throughout their pursuit.

A couple of years ago there was a movie called "Real Women Have Curves." I haven't see it, but if its title represents an accurate statement, then a picture of Carla Gugino should be used as the scientific symbol for reality. Her lush, curvaceous figure and innate sexiness combine with a kind of sweet Sally Field wholesomeness and a deceptive intelligence to make her kind of like Salma Hayek without the accent. She would be a perfect femme fatale for the film noir genre except that audiences would normally have a hard time accepting her as a calculating schemer. That single flaw was custom suited to her role in this film, however, because the script actually required her to teeter on the tightrope between the roles of criminal and victim. Yes, she was a bad girl - but one with a conscience and a good heart who eventually ends up as the hero of the story, even though it was she who killed the Senator's wife and first turned their comical lark into a bloodbath! How could that be? You'll have to watch the movie to find out!