Minotaur (2005) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Scoop's notes

The Minotaur is TV film made for the Sci-Fi network. It is a dark and gloomy-looking reworking of the legend of Theseus and the Minotaur, and it stayed reasonably faithful to the shell of the familiar mythological story, but added its own embellishments. For example, the people from Crete seemed to spend all their time inhaling some mind-altering gas from their scary bull masks.

The film received a fairly good reception from the genre reviewers. Many of them praised the F/X used to create a realistic monster. I can see their point. The Minotaur did look like a really big and scary bull, and it moved realistically. Given a minimal budget, the look of the film isn't bad either. And let us also acknowledge some good DVD features for a TV movie: a full-length commentary from the director and editor, an excellent widescreen anamorphic transfer, and a few extended and/or deleted scenes.

Unfortunately the script included neither interesting dialogue nor a compelling storyline, so it was not my personal cup of tea. It seemed to be targeting the kiddie crowd because the team wasn't going for subtlety here. Tony Todd, ol' Candyman himself, playing the King of Crete, turned a performance so hammy and so lacking in nuance that it would have embarrassed Michael Rooker. Candyman chewed so much scenery that he affected the global availability of scenery. Several Third World countries have since reported significant starvation among bad actors.

One IMDb commenter had Todd's performance pegged perfectly:

I did derive a bit of pleasure from trying to sort out all the different influences on Todd's portrayal of the "psycho" potentate. It's Frank Booth ("Blue Velvet") meets Thulsa Doom ("Conan the Barbarian"), with a bit of Jabba the Hutt thrown in for good measure. Until you've seen someone taking a "hit" off a cattle skull, you haven't seen good cinema.
 

To have any appeal beyond the Sci-Fi channel audience, the film really needed a few lightbulbs, some humor, multi-dimensional characters, and some human interest.
 

DVD INFO

  • full-length commentary from the director and editor
  • some deleted and extended scenes

 

NUDITY REPORT

Shiva Gholamianzadeh showed her breasts and bum as she stood naked before the bull-god.

The Critics Vote ...

  • No major reviews online

 

The People Vote ...

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

Our own guideline:

  • A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre.
  • B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. In order to rate at least a B-, a film should be both a critical and commercial success. Exceptions: (1) We will occasionally rate a film B- with good popular acceptance and bad reviews, if we believe the critics have severely underrated a film. (2) We may also assign a B- or better to a well-reviewed film which did not do well at the box office if we feel that the fault lay in the marketing of the film, and that the film might have been a hit if people had known about it. (Like, for example, The Waterdance.)
  • C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by people who enjoy this kind of movie. If this is your kind of movie, a C+ and an A are indistinguishable to you.
  • C means it is competent, but uninspired genre fare. People who like this kind of movie will think it satisfactory. Others probably will not.
  • C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie, but genre addicts find it watchable. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film, but films with this rating should be approached with caution by mainstream audiences, who may find them incompetent or repulsive or both. If this is NOT your kind of movie, a C- and an E are indistinguishable to you.
  • D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-. Films rated below C- generally have both bad reviews and poor popular acceptance.
  • E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre.
  • F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

 

I did make it through the film with the occasional aid of the blessed fast-forward button, and there was some enthusiasm from some of the genre reviewers, so I suppose a C- is the right grade on our scale.

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