Slammed (2001) from Brainscan

1) The sport is wrestling, or maybe that should be rasslin', rather than skiing.

2) The bad guy is a standard issue American preppy, rather than a snotty, faux-aristocratic European twit.

3) The dialogue and the actors are weary and worn rather than edgy and entertaining.

4) One has been lost in the shuffle of 21st century bad movies, the other is a classic of its time, remembered and revered by a cult following.

So Slammed is derivative and overly-long. It packs no punch in its humor or in its last scene of "good-guy gets revenge".

What's not to hate?

I would say, "the nekkid babes" because that is the usual answer to such a question, and there several of them, credited and otherwise. But these gals are universally and artificially pneumatic. We are talking so much silicone in this one cinematic effort that Dow Corning's stock jumped 9 points when filming began: costs elevate as supply dwindles, you know; and these gals used up a year's production.

No, I think it's empathy that keeps one from ripping this movie a new arse-hole. It is populated with folks who had been someone - the guy who had been Jimmy Olson in the latest Superman thingee, the chubby un-funny son on Home Improvement, and Josie Davis... that's right, Josie Davis... and Fabiana Udenio, who at one time was the number one woman I wished would get and stay seriously nekkid in at least one movie. They're all there and so is the guy who played the President in The Fifth Element (Tiny Lister) and a gal, Lake Bell, who just might BE someone someday soon because she can act and has such a wonderful on-screen personality.

Yep, it's empathy and the thought that it's a cruel, cruel world when someone who had been at the top appears in Slammed. Let's cheer on this effort for their sake... only for their sake.

About the nekkid babes. Well, we got two dressing-room scenes, a wet T-shirt contest, a gratuitous flash by a former Hefmate, a rip-off-the-top pool-fight scene and a bit of an innocent sport-humping scene... as oxymoronic as that sounds.

• Major source of hooter exposure is Tamie Sheffield. This gal's whipped out the biguns in many movies and was the winner on a Fear Factor episode. She shows the equipment again in one dressing room scene and another scene leading up to the wet T-shirt contest. She claims in a "making-of" extra on the disk that hers are not fake because they shake. Shit, my nephew has a plastic monk on his dashboard that shakes when he drives and that thing has fewer artificial ingredients than Tamie's hooties. Tamie, in my opinion, looks way better in a wet T-shirt than she does topless.
• The second major source, previously exposed in various movies, is Kitana Baker. She is the biological carrier for a vast haul of silicone.
• Third gal to give up major goodies is a newbie, Somaya Reece. Pretty woman, with a smile to melt your heart and implants to break your face. Que lastima.
• And then there is this generation's Shannon Tweed ... Katie Lohmann. This is about the fifteenth movie in which she has shown off her man-mades. There is an artistic addition to them this time.
• Lake Bell does not get undressed, but she does wear some interesting clothes. I'm figuring we won't be seeing her goodies, because if she ain't getting nekkid in this movie, she never will.
• And a triplet of uncredited gals do the wet T-shirt thing, while a pair of other uncredited gals pull off each other's bikini tops. Standard fare.

So as I was saying, there are many reasons to rant and rave over the tiredness that is Slammed, but the sight of so many professionals in decline and the performance of Lake Bell restrains the beast that wells up in me. I bid the movie a sad and permanent adieu.