Treasure Hunt (2003) from Brainscan

And no one would care if ol' JW had gone out and gotten him a bunch of babes to prance around nekkid. What ol' Jim did, however, was go out and get himself a bunch of women who were babes a way long time ago. We are talking Sam Phillips, Tane McClure and Gail Harris. Most mercifully, he keeps their clothes on. Well, not Gail. She shows her bum and its looking just fine, thank you. But the other two do stay covered, for which I am most grateful.

Jim did grab himself a few young babes. Shea Smith, Melissa Brasella (who looks terrific) and Glori-Anne Gilbert. Only Glori-Anne takes off her top, but then Jim shoots those scenes by the light of a bonfire or puts the camera so close to the action that he just about jams it up her nose. And when you tack on the facts that (a) the camera is always moving, sweeping from one side to the next, jittering as if Michael J Fox were trying to hold it still (b) the digital compression is so bad that remnants of one frame remain as the next comes up, well what you get with close-ups is something almost impossible to capture.

But then in one scene, the camera stops moving, the lighting is perfect and Glori-Anne starts to remove her bikini and I'm thinking, well maybe this will make up for all the other painful crap I've had to watch... but noooooo. The camera cuts away before you get to see any goodies. What the hell? You already got her topless twice before, Jim you stupid fuck, why go modest on us now? I could have pulled his pea brain out through his nose at that point.

A couple of things came to mind as I watched this atrocity unfold:

1) There is a phrase in Spanish that translates as "limp dick" but carries with it much more baggage than any English phraseology might. That's Jim Wynorski. He's written, produced and directed 50 movies and rather than getting better or showing any sign of progress in his craft over time, he has gotten measurably worse. I'd much rather watch Deathstalker II than anything he's done this century.

2) Had a roommate who despised the dorm's RA. A man of few words, the roomie once said of the RA that "he could fuck up a wet dream." After watching Treasure Hunt, I understand what that means.

3) In American Wedding, Stifler sits listening to the stripper cop talk of her past and her dreams and finally blurts out, "I don't care. All I want you to do is dance." That's the way I felt as I sat and watched the heads of some very uninteresting people speak terribly uninteresting lines into a shaky camera. I didn't care. All I wanted was for the babes to dance.

I like Glori-Anne Gilbert. She's cute as the dickens, blessed with a most exuberant body and he gets nekkid a lot. I have to like her, since I have seen her in three movies, each of which sits below the IMDb Mendoza line (under 2.0), one of which (Dream Witch) is considered by many to be as bad as Manos, the Hands of Fate. Understand, then, Treasure Hunt is even worse.

 Avoid at all costs.