Vampires vs Zombies

Spoilers

Vampires 3, Zombies 2, in double overtime. The Zombies are favored to win the re-match because it's an afternoon game.

End spoilers

You want a real review? Seriously?

Well, how good do you think a movie would be if it is called Vampires vs Zombies and is rated 1.5 at IMDB?

Form that picture in your head.

Well this movie is a lot worse than the one you just imagined.

I can make one argument in its favor. Most of us learn in school that there is a strong positive correlation between the quality of a literary work and our degree of difficulty in understanding it.

Consider these masterpieces, considered by experts to be perhaps the greatest play and the greatest work of prose ever written:

Hamlet - hard to follow, hard to read.

Finnegans Wake - impossible to understand.

If being difficult to understand is truly a measure of literary greatness, then Vampires vs Zombies is the "War and Peace" of our times. A bunch of stuff happens in this film, and I'll be damned if I can see how any given scene connects to the rest of it. I don't even know which characters were the vampires and which were the zombies. They were all hanging around in daylight, so ....

I think there was also a witch who could make cars disappear, and there were two guys who were regular humans. Maybe.

NUDITY REPORT

Maritama Carlson- breasts

Bonny Giroux - breasts

DVD info from Amazon

no features, no widescreen

As if the film weren't confusing enough, the chronology jumps from the present to various other times, and the reality jumps into dream sequences, some of which may actually be real rather than dreams.

And, to top it all off, the actors deliver their lines with the unnatural inflections of small-time appliance store owners doing their own local TV commercials. (SCTV fans - imagine Tex and Edna Boyle in a horror movie!)

The Critics Vote ...

No reviews online

The People Vote ...

IMDB summary. IMDb voters score it 1.5/10. It got the usual smattering of 9s and 10s from people who worked on the film, but the most amazing thing to me is that somebody rated it a 4. Obviously, this is a sincere score. I would like to meet someone who thinks this movie is better than 3 out of 10 films made. That person has seen some bad, bad films.

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description, this is a low F. Awesome movie. Ideal for the kind of parties where you burn a few and pop in a flick.