"A police detective with a violent temper has two major
problems: His wife is cheating on him, and he has no leads in a series
of gory local slayings. The two troubles become one when, after a
particularly nasty confrontation, his wife leaves home and unknowingly
resides with the killers: a trio of sexy vampires posing as
masseuses."
--- summary
written by the writer/director ---
Vampz started off with some promise. And when I say start, I
mean the very moment it came in the mail. From that point on, it was
all downhill. Imagine the concept. I did. two previous movies were
made with Vamp in the title, both with lots of nekkid babes - the
second way more than the first - so I am figuring there was some sort
of trend. The concept ... what might have made this a special little
movie ... is the urban slant to the story. I was figuring on beautiful
gals, most of them black, all of them nekkid. We get two outta
three. Beautiful gals, including former Hefmate Serria Tawan, who was
taking time away from her amateur video productions, and a real babe
by the name of Emayatzy Corinealdi. They and all the other gals are
both black and gorgenous. But not a one gets nekkid. Even though the
setting for the most of the movie is supposed to be a brothel and even
though no one in this cast was in any position to negotiate a
no-nudity clause, the gals stayed dressed. Even when they are
supposed to be humping they and the johns remain clothed. WTF? What
manner of strumpet remains ensheathed in garments whilst practicing
the adult arts? The closest anyone gets to major goodies is an
accidental nip-slip by Serria, a few views of her thong-clad killer
rumpus and some pokies by Emayatzy. That's it. A new low in vampire
hooker movies when only acres of flesh would have elevated this thing
above levels seen only in Presidential approval ratings.
What Vampz subsitutes for skin is blood and guts. As was the case in
previous Vamp movies, the gals are vampires. But not your tidy,
puncture the jugular and drink hearty kind. No siree, we have the kind
who rip open a guy and feast on his entrails. So we got gore. Lots of
gore. And we have some extraordinarily weak attempts at humor...the
kind your drunk redneck of a brother-in-law launches into after his
fifteenth beer. Stupid shit. So I'm saying the script sucked ass?
Yep. And the directing, Brain, how was it? Well, when it was evident
that anyone was directing this green sputum of a movie, the intention
seemed to be to destroy any sense of pacing or drama. Producer must
have been crazy to hire these guys, right? Well, even crazier than you
might think because the producer, the director and the writer were the
same guy. I have forgotten his name. Blessed gift, this senility.
Of all the messes this movie made on the carpet of my psyche, there is
one that still bemuses me. Not amuse...bemuse...as in befuddle or
confuse in a vexing manner. Very first scene has a nice-looking
vampire hunt, screw and eat this guy off the streets of LA. Fine. She
is a beautiful woman who starts off the whole she-bang by keeping on
her clothes. Long story but she is supposed to get burned by sunlight
because she stayed out too late...or early, depending on your point of
view. Okay. That's fine. Didn't know who she was ... but certainly not
Serria Tawan because I know her face and body pretty well. Very next
scene, however, has the queen vamp (played by Tawanna Browne)
discovering that the unter-vamp has been naughty by hunting alone and
got burned for her efforts. What's the problem? NOW the burned vampire
is played by Serria. Somewhere between scene 1 and scene 2, Serria
took over the part of the hungry/horny vampire. Again, WTF? That
original actress appears nowhere else in the movie. So, what happened
to her? And why not re-shoot the frist scene with Serria doing the
honors? By the looks of it, mighta taken ten minutes to shoot on the
initial attempt. And so it goes, less dramatically for the whole
movie. Guys thrown backward land face-first. All-powerful,
quick-as-lightening vampires forget how to run when faced with a
cross. Some German guy shows up and annoys the living crap out of
everyone. And the lead actor has the same look on his face when he is
getting
screwed or discovers his wife getting screwed or gets behind the wheel
of his Honda Accord and pulls away from the curb. Bottom line is I am
bemused ... but very, very unamused that I wasted $12 and 90 minutes
on this meal fit only for a dung beetle. |
